Crimson Regiment 2012

I can't believe this marching season is already over. It seems like just yesterday, it was the first day of rookie camp and I was struggling with the warm-ups. 

So much has changed since then. 

For a mere 158 days, I have been able to call myself a member of the Loveland High School Crimson Regiment of the 2012 year. These 158 days have meant the world to me. Even through the tears, frustrations, annoyances, and everything else that may not have been desirable, I wouldn't trade those days for anything in this universe. Not one thing will mean more to me. 

I dedicated myself to this group of people since day one, and I've been dedicated to each and every one of them for a little over 5 months now. They mean so much to me. They are my family, honestly. Even the ones I may not have talked to or even known their names, they are a part of my 125 person family. 

Last night, after our State Finals performance, I'm not ashamed to admit that I was sobbing hysterically. During the last few pages of the closer, I looked up at our drum major, Janelle, and she looked down at me. And we both started crying. That was the last time we were ever going to play that show. The last time that exact group of 125 people would be creating art together. When we finally wheeled ourselves off the field, I lost it. We gathered up in a large group and Freesen, the band director, gave us our final after show speech. I'm pretty sure that more than half of the band was crying at this point. 

When he stopped talking, we broke and everybody just started to hug each other. We probably stood in that area hugging and crying for about 45 minutes. It was beautiful, actually. I felt so loved, and I realized how meaningful this experience was to me. I will never forget it. 

And now, as I sit here writing this, and the second movement of the New World Symphony is playing over the sound of my silent tears, I want to say thank you. To everyone. You all have truly changed my life. And I'm so grateful to every single one of you. I could never put my true feelings into words, so I hope a simple thank you does the job. I'm going to miss every single one of you. 

And while I'm not ready to leave all you beautiful people, I have to go. It is no longer my time to shine. It's not your time to grow up and become amazing musicians, to make the audience have all sorts of wonderful emotions, and to make connections like the amazing ones that I have this year. This time is for all of you, and I know that every single one of you will make all 24 of us seniors so proud of you. 

I have never been so proud to be a part of something so phenomenal. 

I have no regrets. Not one. 

And that, my friends, is truly amazing. 

The L Word

I swear, sometimes I spend too much time in my own mind. It's probably really unhealthy for me, but I'll keep doing it because of reasons and stuff.

Anyway, I'm going to be a stereotypical teenage girl and talk about the L word. Now, don't be a pain and say "lul which L word, there's lyk, 532580137 of them." YOU KNOW WHICH WORD I'M TALKING ABOUT. It has 4 letters and a hell of a lot of meaning. 

In my mind, there's three types of love. 

First, is the love you feel for your family. Everyone has it somewhere inside, no matter how deep down it is. One could argue it's programmed into us at birth. I love every one of my family members dearly, and I know that they all love me too. It's a fact, and it always will be. 

Next, is the love you feel for your friends. The kind where you can say it at anytime, and it's accepted. For comfort, for laughs, for memories, for anything. This kind of love is a little more difficult to understand for me, because I wasn't born loving my best friends. I didn't even know who my best friends would be when I was younger. I don't know who my best friends will be in the future. It's a love that's developed; after spending time with these people, something in the brain says "Hey, this bro is pretty rad." And there you have it. But, there's always those annoying people who are constantly telling everyone "omg i luv u so much ur lyk my bff 4evr!" This bugs me to no end, but we'll revisit that later. (If you haven't noticed by now, things that annoy me are in chat speak. Because that annoys me too.) 

And, finally, we have romantic love; something you feel for a significant other or someone of the like. Let me start off this explanation by saying something vital: I'm not in love like this. Nor do I think I am. I've just been thinking about it a lot recently. This kind of love confuses me the most, as I'm sure it confuses other people. It's one of those things that can't be explained. No one else can tell you what feels like to have this kind of love, because it's different to everyone. But, here are some of the definitions I've heard from my peers:

"It's like having constant butterflies. You always feel nervous around the person, and you're always excited to spend any amount of time with them."

"Even when you're frustrated beyond belief with that person, you'd drop almost anything to see/talk to them. You can't stay mad at them, unless it's something really serious..."

"Dude, I don't know. You just feel it. You'll know it's right when it happens, I guess."

"When you'd do everything and anything for that person. If it came down to it, you would die for that person, even if it meant they'd only live one more day. Walking to the ends of the Earth and back would be no problem if you were doing it for them."

Here's what I think: this kind of love is scary. I'm a person that likes to stay in constant control of my emotions. Sure, I can let a tear slip around my friends every once in a while. I can rage every once in a blue moon. But usually, my emotions stay in check pretty well (hard to believe, yes, but the extremes are definitely extreme.) The thought of having a feeling that I have no control over scares me beyond belief. It's not something I like thinking about, honestly. 

But the thing the bugs me so much about this word is how often I hear it thrown it around. Sure, tell people that you love them. That's great, everyone needs to hear that sometimes. But when it's every 10 minutes to everyone you know, that's not cool. Especially when it comes to significant others. I hate--yes, hate-- people who tell their significant others that they love each other after only a month or two of seeing each other. If there's one thing I know about that kind of love, it's that you don't know it that soon. I do not believe in love at first sight. I am a strong believer in dating/being with someone you've known for a while. You should know the person pretty well before you start anything that serious. 

I know people who've been dating for years, and it's great to see them so happy. Really, I find pleasure in seeing my friends so happy. I'd like to be that happy someday, sure, but I'm 17. I don't need to find it right now. 

"But, Caitlyn," some of you may say, "what if you die tomorrow?! Then you'll die not knowing love!" And to you, I say: I do know love. I love my friends. I love my family. I know love. I could die happy right now. Because I know people love me. And I know I love people. Sure, it would be unfortunate to die before knowing such an intense and powerful love, but at least I've experienced love. 

And, now that I'm done rambling, I'm going to end with this:

If you're reading this, I love you. Really, you guys mean so much to me. I know I don't say it often, but I sure as hell hope you know it.

--Caitlyn

Being Realistic

(Not all of this is necessarily true. Some of these situations are made up, so don't take me incredibly serious)

Recently, I've heard a lot of people saying things like "Come on, get real" or "Be realistic, bro!" So tell me this, people, define realistic.

Let me give you an example. I know for a fact that it is completely unrealistic for me to have a teen crush on Harry Potter. No, not Daniel Radcliffe (although, that's still pretty unrealistic) but Harry Potter, the fictional character. 99.9% of people will agree with me on that (the other .1% is a little crazy .__.)

But, on the other hand, who's to say that it's unrealistic of me to fall for someone whom I know? Or, to bring education into this, who is allowed to tell me that my dream of becoming an award winning actress/musician is not practical? I'll be honest, I'm not the best actress. I'm an average musician. But, with a lot of effort and practice, can't I dream that I'll be recognized for one of these things someday?

So, when your friend says to you "Dude, Emma Stone is so hot. I'm going to marry her someday" you can laugh, because that is a bit unrealistic. But if a bro tells you "Someday, I want to go to the Olympics for table tennis" in a serious manner, don't laugh at that bro's dreams. That's not cool. Sure, you may think it's a bit of a stretch, but with a lot of hard work and dedication, maybe you'll be good friends with a table tennis Olympic gold medalist in the future.

Without crazy hopes and dreams, we wouldn't have some of the inspirational people we have today.

So, every once in a while, be unrealistic. Be impractical. Be nonsensical. Just do it and be proud of it. Don't let people tear you down from it, and don't tear others down (:

Now that I'm done ranting...

--Caitlyn

Summer vacations

The first week of June, my dad and I took a vacation to the west coast. We flew into Seattle on June 3, and drove all the way down the coast on highway 101. On June 13, we flew out of the airport in L.A. It was pretty great.

We did so many things. We did all of the touristy things in all the cities, we stopped in little towns all along the coast, and we did a TON of driving.

During this driving time, we were mostly out of radio range, and I lost cell service frequently. So when I wasn't having a riveting conversation with my dad, I started thinking. A lot.

Mostly, I thought about how things change. Over the 10 days I was gone, the fire nation decided to attack my beautiful state. I grew closer to people, realized how much my friends mean to me, and many other things.

Recently, I've had to make a lot of decisions. I'm a very indecisive person, so I haven't been able to make much progress in these decisions. I know what I want, sure, but I can't help thinking how things would be different if I chose the other option.

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm talking about right now haha. But seriously, things change. So yeah. Rant over.

--Caitlyn

Without IB

Before school ended this year, I made the decision to drop a few of my IB classes (actually, just English, maybe Biology) and honestly, I'm very glad I made the decision to do so.

But, on the other hand. I'm not really sure who I am without IB. Most of my very close friends are in the IB Programme, and I'm really going to miss having every single class with them. I started my freshman year as an IB kid, and that's all I've ever been in high school. I guess I could still call myself an IB kid, but it just doesn't feel right because I'm not suffering through all the classes like everyone else. 

This got me thinking... Now that I'm joining marching band, will it change who I am to other people? Because now, I'm not that tall, blonde girl in IB, but I'm that tall blonde girl who plays vibes. Does this affect the way people see me? Or are they still going to look at me the same way?

Not like I really care how other people view me, but it does matter a little bit in the long run. I guess I've just been questioning my identity lately. Who I am to other people, who I will be in the future. Hell, I don't even know who I used to be. To myself, I'm just Caitlyn. And I guess that's all that matters! 


--Caitlyn 

Beauty in life

I was chatting with a friend today, and he said something that really struck me. He said it in a joking way, as we were talking about our immense grammatical skills, but I really had to sit down and think about it.

"Other's flaws make us beautiful."

I don't even know where to start in explaining how I feel about this. It's so true. Society doesn't base beauty on the good things in one person and leave it at that. Beauty is compared from one person to another. Think of the most beautiful person you know.

For me, it's my best friend (her initials are EGC, so we'll just call her that.) She is about 5' 3" with long, curly, brown hair. She had these amazing eyes and I never know what color they're going to be. She's incredibly intelligent, caring, funny, witty, charming, elegant, and adorably clumsy. She is a beautiful person inside and out. I look up to her in more ways than she knows. I aspire to be like her some day. I have my own flaws that keep me from getting there. I'm 5' 11" for one. I am not nearly as smart, funny, elegant or adorable as she is.

But I'm not here to say "I'm so ugly omg no one likes me!!! tell me I'm pretty!!!" Because I'm not one of those people. I know I'm pretty. I've got legs that go up my neck, pretty blonde hair, and shocking green eyes. I am a beautiful girl. No matter what anyone says.

Now, am I beautiful compared to other girls my age? I don't know. I try my best not to compare myself to girls I don't know. But my friends? I always compare myself to them. All of my friends have wonderful qualities that I wish I had.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is I'm only me. And I can only be as beautiful as I see myself. I'll always compare myself to others, but I'm okay with that. I am beautiful. And I only need to be myself.

--Caitlyn